Where Do the Lovers Go

He saw Her.

In Walmart of course. The new city hall of everywhere. She was walking past the Nabisco snacks to the deli meats. Pushing that grey buggy with a 2 liter Pepsi sitting in the top. He didn't know what to do. Talk to her, after all this time. Walk away, like "They" never happened.

It's hard to hear that thing in my boy's voice. It can't really be described. Men especially don't want to show emotional pain. We've been conditioned to not respond to that. A little boy falls on the playground and a cacophony of voice start immediately. "Don't cry" "Stop acting like a little girl" "Suck it up and keep going". We bury that pain and hurt. Never let it show. It happens again and we bury that too. You can't cry in the open. You can't hurt out loud. If you hide it, you get rewarded. Cheered off the field. Loved and adored. Called brave and strong. A man. If you do cry you're ridiculed. Talked about and laughed at. Called a cry baby and weak. So he won't cry for it. He won't say it hurts. Atleast not to me. He'll curse himself for still feeling for her. Curse his weakness.

He wasn't weak then. When he met her she was a fresh new face working at school. He was confident and courageous. She was cute and willing. He talked to her and made her feel like she had never felt before. Somewhere in those late night exchanges she made him feel the same. The kisses they exchanged distracted them long enough for love to sneak in the room. They lived with love for 2 years inspite of themselves. Her outspoken independence and his masculine pride were at constant opposition. "They" ended as spectacularly as it began. It happened because people are dynamic and complicated. Personal connections are so frail.

I tell him life is based on yesterday, not about yesterday. "They" happened yesterday. The conversations. The exchanged glances. The late nights. The soft touches. The kisses. The love happened. Life continued. New jobs, new houses, new loves. The choices you made then, were made then. You can try to take them back and re-live it all but you really can't. It happened. It's not everything you are remembering it to be. It was more. Much more. It was every second you spent with Her. It was feeling Her there with you even when she wasn't. It was two people connected in a moment in time. That moment is forever. That moment made you the person you are.

That thing in his voice was those moments. Everything that you remember (and don't remember) from being with Her comes to your chest, locks up your breath and floods your mind. It's the comparison of that feeling to right now. That longing for the magic of it back. That regret for it having left. Those feelings are all you have left. You can't go back because you can never be that same man that loved Her then. But that lover is still there. It hurts but you live through it.

After we talked a little more, he hung up the phone and I imagined myself in his position. Standing between the Swiss cheese and the 2 ply Charmins Big Rolls. I can see Her there, smiling. Living Her life based on Her yesterdays. Putting Her red hot Jimmy Dean patties in the cart next to the Hawaiian rolls. I can smell Her hair, hear Her voice. I can feel Her. A cool breeze carries Her name across the frozen foods into my ear.

I loved Her.

Then.